Guys, daylight savings time just hit and we got some extra daylight and shittttt! Get excited! That, plus that punk ass groundhog and his shadow means that spring is on its way.
Now, spring and I have a love / hate relationship. I love that the snow stops (I live in New England), but I hate that my allergies have me looking like this:
I’m usually odeeing on the extra strength Allegra to keep my eyes less puffy and my nose from dripping like Roscoe on Martin. But the medicine only helps with my physical allergies to dumb shit like polllen, dust, and gym workouts. Little do you all know, we experience allergies that cannot be contained by Claritin.
In the past I was your love doctor, but tonight I want to be a different type of pharmacist for everybody. Here are the top five allergies that we all need to protect ourselves from. If you remember this list known as “Las Alergias,” I guarantee you will have an amazing spring, and fuck it, a bomb ass life.
Las Alergias
- Negative Energy. When I am around any type of bad vibes, my spirit just breaks the fuck out in hives. And since you can’t really rub hydrocortisone cream on bad vibes, it’s best to just stay away from them. And if someone tries to drag you into their misery loving company ass crib, run away from their house. There’s better people with better vibes, all over the place 🙂
- Baby Mommas. I have reached the point in my life where I have embraced the fact that I’m probably gonna be somebody’s stepmomma. With that being said, I refuse to deal with any stank ass baby mommas, no matter how fucking cute your kid is. Don’t get me wrong, men and women can responsibly raise children together without being together. These women are the mother of one’s child. Baby mommas are a different breed of bitch. They definitely cause itchy watery eyes and a tingling sensation in your fingers – BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SLAP THEM. Again, avoidance is key.
- Broke Niggas. This isn’t a seasonal allergy. I would definitely say I’m allergic to broke niggas 12 months out of the year. As Nicki Minaj said back when she was relevant, ” Keep a wet wipe (in)case a bumb try to touch me, EW!” Maybe it will help to keep some antibacterial wipes or some hand sanitizer on you this spring, because the bumbs are lurking. They figure if they get you pregnant in the spring, they’ll be around for your tax refund next year. Don’t fall for it.
- Unplanned Pregnancies. Even if you’re allergic to latex, find a substitute for your condom needs. For one, the world is already overpopulated enough, don’t add extra kids to the mix. For two, aside from preventing pregnancy, your friend Mr.Magnum will also prevent any STD’s from sneaking their way into your life. Thats some shit you’re definitely allergic to! And for three, you can get pregnant by or get someone pregnant that you hate and never wanna speak to again, which can ruin your life – see Allergy 2 for reference.
- Fake Friends. If you doubt a person’s loyalty for a millisecond, pop you some Zyrtec and get the fuck on with your life. We tryna live our best lives this spring and summer. Nobody has time to be tied down by no fake ass friend. Whether they are male or female, if they aren’t down for you, leave them out in the cold while you still can. Cause once that good weather hits, and I mean that GOOD WEATHER you wann turn up in, you don’t want somebody in your circle run their mouth about you when your twerking on the dance floor, or knocked out in the car on the side of the road (no lie, one of my friends fell asleep in his car hahahahah). If all else fails, and that fake friend doesn’t irritate all the senses in your body, ask your momma. She knows who all the real ones are – and she will weed out the fake friends from your life and the dead weeds out her garden at the same damn time.
So make sure to stock up on all the things you need to fight off las alergias. My allergies are so bad that I usually end up buying the generic brand because I need so much of them. Stay alert for these top 5 allergens, and I promise you will breathe a hell of a lot easier.
Thanks for reading!
twenty something 